Akatsuki Adventures
by redclouds
Summary: A collection of the unseen mishaps and misadventures that plague the Akatsuki's everyday lives. Rated for language and occasional violence, in other words Hidan.
1. Winter, part 1

**Author's note:**

And here is a brand new comedy series for everyone to enjoy. This story will be a collection of the Akatsuki's mishaps and misadventures because they are without a doubt the funniest characters in Naruto. So now here is the first adventure.

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or any other copyrighted stuff.

* * *

Akatsuki Adventures Part 1: Winter

It was the middle of December and the holidays were nearing so being the incredible leader that he is Pein decided to bring the Akatsuki out to the local shopping complex so they could get their Christmas tree together…….

"Why a Christmas tree? Why not a Menorah? Why not a Jashin Quexl?" Hidan asked Pein.

"Because I'm in charge and I like the smell of pine, besides nobody but you celebrates the Jashin holidays and Tobi's the only one who even knows what the other holidays are about."

"But this is stupid! I've never even heard of Christmas and all of a sudden you drag us out here in the cold and force us to buy holiday shit."

"Shut up Hidan." Kakuzu said. "If you want to know what Christmas is about here it is, many years ago blah blah blah presents, stop bitching."

"Alright now me and Konan-"

"Konan and I." Konan corrected.

"-are going to get a Christmas tree, the rest of you buy decorations and other Christmas related stuff, . No Jashin crap either, and Sasori get out of Hiruko you're scaring all the kids." Pein said to Hidan and Sasori. "Now get the hell away from me."

* * *

_With Hidan Kakuzu and Deidara_

"Ooh ooh! Let's go in this store!"

"No."

"How about this one!"

"No."

"Come on you guys don't want to go in any stores!"

"Well Deidara I'm straight and Kakuzu's a cheap ass. Why the hell are you even following us anyways shouldn't you be fulfilling your twisted puppet fantasies with Sasori?"

"He ditched me hmm! All I say is 'let's go get some pretty ornaments' and he ditches me!"

"I wonder why." Kakuzu mumbled.

"Well I don't give a shit, I'd rather turn into Kakuzu before going shopping with your pansy ass."

"I'm not a pansy, and I don't have any puppet fantasies! And what's wrong with going shopping with me?"

"Okay fuck this." Hidan turned around to leave but instead walked into a pole. "Ow! Mother fucker!"

"Serves you right hm!"

"Screw this stupid pole!"

"Hey Hidan." Kakuzu said.

"What do you want!"

"I'll give you a dollar if you lick this pole."

"Deal!" Hidan licked the pole and promptly got his tongue stuck to it.

"Wow, he's really stupid it's like negative 20 degrees out here and that things metal." Deidra said.

"He deserves it for saying turning into me is a bad thing."

"Gef me off dis ducking po!" Hidan yelled as best he could.

"Well let's go see if we can find Sasori." Kakuzu said. "Maybe he'd be willing to buy some decorations."

* * *

_With Sasori_

_Damn it joints frozen can't move._ Sasori thought.

"Look mommy a doll!"

_Oh God no! _Sasori could only watch in horror as a little girl and her mother came to look at him.

"Wow he's so realistic and life-size too!" The mother said.

"Can I have him mommy can I?"

_Shit, mouth joints frozen too I can't talk!_

"Oh alright why not, we can just call this an early Christmas present." The mother picked Sasori up and carried him away.

_Help somebody! Leader Deidara help!_

* * *

_With Itachi and Kisame_

"Stupid Leader didn't even give us any money to buy gifts with. And how the hell would we buy this over priced shit in the first place! Look at this, twenty dollars for a single ornament!" Kisame complained.

"These lights are bright."

"Uhh Itachi are you alright? You've been staring at those Christmas tree lights for about twenty minutes."

"I'm aware. They are rather intoxicating. The colors I am seeing right now put all others to shame."

"Yeah I think I'll just sit you down here." Kisame grabbed Itachi and pulled him away from the lights and sat him down onto a toy chest where Itachi proceeded to look at several stuffed animals.

"I think Konan would like this. What do you think?" Kisame asked as he held out an origami fox.

"Like she doesn't have enough origami already, if it was me I would incinerate you for giving me that."

"Did you get into the medicine cabinet again? I put the child locks on for a reason."

Itachi ignored him and returned to looking at a stuffed weasel. "This creature….. it is mocking me."

"It's just a toy Itachi."

Itachi didn't seem to hear him and his eyes turned into the Mangekyou Sharingan.

"Uhh Itachi….."

* * *

_With Pein and Konan_

"Now this is the tree for you, 8 feet tall and just look at the quality! There ain't no needles falling off this tree." The salesman proceeded to stamp the tree on the ground a few times to prove his point but upon lifting it up a rather large mound of pine needles were found to being lying on the ground. "Okay screw this tree then, let me find a better one for ya."

"All these trees look like shit, its like they kept the ones from last year. For God's sake that ones brown!" Konan ranted while Pein merely looked at her. "What?"

"You said for my sake…. so what is it?" Pein asked.

Konan sighed and rubbed her forehead..

"Alright now here's a great tree! Much better than the last!"

"Hmm." Pein said as he inspected the tree, finding nothing wrong with it he turned back to the salesman. "Alright well how much does it cost?"

"Three hundred dollars."

"Three hundred? That seems a bit overpriced, what do you think Konan?"

"Hell if I know we should've brought Kakuzu."

"Well whatever then we'll take it!" Pein said cheerily handing the salesman/conman his money. "Now lets go find the rest of the idiots and hope they haven't gotten in any trouble. Heh, fat chance."

"Where are Zetsu and Tobi anyways, did you forget to bring them?"

"Nah there just keeping guard at the base, Zetsu's rather anti-social and Tobi can't do math. I wonder what they're doing?"

* * *

_With Zetsu and Tobi_

"E four." Tobi said.

"You sunk my battleship. **I'll kill you."**

* * *

_With Kakuzu and Deidara_

"Well it looks like Sasori fell off the face of the earth, so lets go look for Leader then." Kakuzu said.

"He's gonna be pissed that we didn't buy anything."

"Just make clay ornaments. Wait forget I said that, I don't want to wake up on Christmas morning to get blown up by a fucking tree."

"Kakuzu, Deidara over here!" They both looked over to see Konan and Pein holding a Christmas tree and waving them over.

"Well looks like you bought something that isn't a worthless pile of shit like our stove or fridge or everything else in the base." Kakuzu said to Pein snidely.

"Well would you like to pay for better appliances?"

"Up yours, so how much did this cost?"

"Three hundred dollars."

All was silent for a moment, then a small popping noise was heard and Kakuzu fell over his heart having exploded. It didn't have an attack, it literally exploded. About five seconds later Kakuzu got back up.

"You spent that much on a Christmas tree."

"Yeah."

"I hate you. Let's get out of here before I start killing Deidara."

"What?"

"We can't leave yet we're missing four people." Konan said.

"Oh. Well the important ones are here, me and uhhh oh yeah me." Kakuzu said.

"Didn't Hidan go off with you?" Pein asked."

"Idiot got his tongue stuck to a pole." Deidara said while sniggering. "He's probably still stuck on it."

* * *

_With Hidan_

"BILL THOMEDY GEF ME DA FYUCK OFF DIS POLE!" Hidan yelled out to the crowd of people walking by him as best he could. But it seemed like the people walking by either didn't notice or didn't care and nobody came to help.

* * *

_With Itachi and Kisame_

"Well at least no one saw that it was you who started the Amaterasu fire…… even though you're the only one in the world who can do that."

"That weasel thought he was better than me, I could not allow him to get away with that. He was foolish to challenge me but now he will not be such a fool to be so foolish quickly. Hatred."

"Uhhh."

Suddenly a man appeared before them. "Wow you guys are perfect definitely! Your height and your red eyes it's perfect! How would you guys like to make a quick ten bucks?"

* * *

_With the rest_

Pein's group had been looking for the others for quite a while now but they still had no such luck in finding anyone. They were about to leave (which would strand everyone not in their group at the shopping complex) when suddenly a silver haired priest, drenched in blood, tackled Kakuzu to the ground and started to strangle him.

"How cud do weave me dare!" Hidan yelled at Kakuzu. Eventually Pein managed to pull Hidan off Kakuzu and everyone realized that Hidan had bit off the end of his tongue to get unstuck.

"Alright now we just need Kisame, Itachi and Sasori. Anyone have any ideas as to where they might be?" Pein asked.

Suddenly they heard a voice being broadcasted over the speakers situated throughout the complex: _In just five minutes there will be a live performance of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer! Everyone is welcome to come and enjoy this event!_

Pein's head snapped towards the direction the play was in. "Let's rock."

After a short run to the stage the Akatsuki found themselves stuck at the back of a large crowd eagerly anticipating the holiday play. The stage was decorated with all sorts of Christmas crap, and there was a large double door at the back end of it.

"I can't see anything." Deidara said pushing Hidan out of the way.

"Just shut up, I've got a feeling that we're going to be utterly horrified by this anyways. And then you'll be happy you can't see well" Pein said.

Just then the voice on the loudspeaker came on again: _And now let the play begin!_

The next moment a side door opened up and a santa walked onto the stage. "Welcome ladies and gentleman." The santa told the crowd in a monotone voice.

"Holy shit." The Akatsuki said at once. "It's Itachi!"

"You know Dasher and Dancer, Prancer, and Vixen, Comet and Cupid, Donner and Blitzen…." Itachi started to sing without reading from a script.

"Why does he know the words?" Konan wondered.

The Akatsuki were too shocked by the horrificness to reply.

"But do you recall the most famous reindeer of all…."

Just then the doors in the back opened and a large blue skinned, shark toothed, reindeer walked onto the stage.

"It's Kisame!" Deidra yelled and Hidan and Kakuzu burst out laughing at their comrades plight..

* * *

_Later_

"I don't want to talk about it." Kisame said hiding his face in his hands.

"Dude why the fuck didn't you just refuse!" Hidan said in between laughs (Kakuzu sewed his tongue back on on Pein's behest)

"Itachi wouldn't let me; he said it would be fun!"

"Man you're more fucked up than I thought." Hidan said turning to Itachi who used the ten bucks he got from the play to buy a stuffed weasel.

Itachi simply ignored him and the Akatsuki walked back to their car.

"Wait!" Deidara yelled suddenly. "We forgot about Sasori!"

* * *

_With Sasori_

Sasori, still being unable to move, was carried back to his 'buyers' car and promptly thrown in the back seat. The little girl got in and sat down next to him so she could keep her new best friend company.

"It's going to be so great I'll make your hair so wonderful and paint you too! I have all these cute stickers to put on you….." It went on and on and Sasori tried his best to keep his sanity.

_I'll even take Tobi's help just somebody find me!_

**End of part 1**

* * *

Akatsuki Winter will continue next chapter and this adventure will end with the Akatsuki's new year party thing.


	2. Winter, part 2

Author's note:

Now chapter is here and is continuing the story from chapter 1. This chapter has a particularly disturbing conversation between Hidan and Kakuzu so the rating s up a little for that part.

* * *

Akatsuki Adventures Part 1: Winter, chapter 2

Now being the organization that it is the Akatsuki had no one who knew how to cook. Kisame could prepare soup and for some reason Kakuzu knew how to make pancakes, but besides that all of the food the Akatsuki ate was delivery or microwaveable. However Pein didn't think that store bought Christmas cookies were right, he wanted the authentic thing, so he looked at his subordinates and chose who he thought would be the best at cooking a meal. The woman.

"This is bullshit!" Konan spat out as she stood over the kitchen counter. "I've never been in front of a stove my entire life and just because I'm a girl he thinks I know how to cook."

Needless to say Konan was rather frustrated with Pein and her new job, and if you don't know how to make Christmas cookies in the first place those things can be a bitch!

"Where the fuck is the flour!" She yelled to no one in particular.

However Deidara was nearby and so he decided to answer. "What do you mean? You don't eat flowers hm. I mean that's just silly."

"No dumbass, the kind of flour for cooking not the plants."

"Oh, that's in the second drawer from the left."

Konan shot him an angry glare and grabbed the flour from the drawer, disregarding directions she dumped about half the box into the mixing bowl and turned her hand into a paper wire whisk.

"So Konan, how do you like your new job hm?" Deidara asked sarcastically.

Without replying Konan's hand shot out, turned into a paper knife and cut Deidara's hair from the middle of his head down.

The hair dropped to the floor with a thud and Deidara looked on speechless.

"That's what you get blondie, now you look like a boy." Konan said to him smirking.

Deidara simply looked up at her mouth agape.

"Oh come on it's not that big a deal, I'm sure all the guys will still go crazy for you. You have such a feminine figure I bet Sasori's having a hard time keeping from staring."

Tears started to well in the Deidara's eyes and he began to sniffle. "Y-your mean!" He started to full on cry and to shut him up Konan threw the completed tray of cookies into his arms.

"Look just shut up and stop bothering me, now put those cookies in the oven and set the timer for ten minutes. I'm going to see Leader about this _job_." Konan left the crying Deidara to go find her oh so caring and compassionate friend.

* * *

In the Akatsuki's living room the rest of the organization was assembled doing various activities. Pein was seated in his chair reading the newspaper. Itachi, with stuffed weasel still wrapped around his neck, was staring unblinkingly at the wall. Kisame was doing a crossword puzzle at the table. Zetsu was half melted into the floor in front of the fireplace. And Hidan and Kakuzu were on the couch arguing over the remote.

Tobi had been sent out to find Sasori and had since not returned.

"What's a five letter word for selachimorpha?"

No one answered.

"Pein where the fuck are you!" Konan yelled as she entered the room. Pein merely sighed and raised his hand. "Okay asshole, I am not doing anymore of the cooking, if you want real homecooked meals take a class and make them yourself!"

"Stop yelling you dumb bitch I'm watching T.V.!" Hidan yelled.

"The hell you are!" Kakuzu yelled and punched Hidan in the face wrenching the remote from his grasp.

Hidan retaliated by tackling Kakuzu off the couch starting a fist fight between the two of them. And while this was going on Deidara walked into the room sporting his new haircut which Hidan just had to make fun of, causing Deidara to enter the brawl as well.

"Anyone know a seven letter word for delphinidae?"

Pein's ears were starting to hurt so he did what every man does when an attractive woman talks to them: Ignore what they're saying and focus on her boobs.

The fight between Deidara, Hidan, and Kakuzu now involved Zetsu and the four of them drowned out all other noise as they proceeded to destroy the living room. Midway in Hidan was thrown into the fire place and when he came out he was engulfed in flames and ran around screaming for somebody to put it out. Unfortunately Zetsu merely bit off his feet.

"Konan please calm down, I'm sure whatever problems you have can be resorted nice and quietly." Pein said.

"Pein, my eyes are up here."

Itachi finally blinked for the first time in thirty minutes. "This wall….. it is mocking me." Itachi said and then tried his best to activate Amaterasu.

"Thank me for the anti-jutsu seals." Pein said.

"How about a four lettered word for a non-tetrapod chordate?"

By now the rolling mass of flailing limbs had reached Pein and Konan and unfortunately for the standing Konan, she was sucked into the mess.

"It's my fucking remote!"

"I'm gonna rip out your damn heart!"

"Why'd you cut my hair!"

"Get the hell off of me!"

"Is it just me **or** **is anyone else getting turned on**?"

Pein simply folded his newspaper and looked at the fighting Akastuki members with disdain. "I always thought that Christmas brought out the best in people." Pein said sarcastically.

"Speaking of Christmas, we're gonna be seeing a lot of suicides soon. Tis' the season." Kisame said not looking up from his crossword puzzle.

All of a sudden the front door of the Akatsuki base swung open and in walked Tobi carrying Sasori's frozen form under his arm. "I'm back! And look who I found!" Tobi stood the frozen puppet up and promptly hugged him. "I missed you so much!"

The fighting between the idiots stopped as they stared at Tobi while he hugged Sasori's unresponsive body.

"Master Sasori what happened!" Deidra yelled and ran up to him. "Holy shit you're completely frozen! Tobi where did you find him?"

"I was walking back to the base when I saw him lying in the snow. I tried to make him talk but he wouldn't, he kept giving me the cold shoulder haha."

Everyone face-faulted at Tobi's horrible joke. "Whatever." Pein said. "Just drag him in front of the fireplace until he thaws out. The rest of you can go put up decorations, I'm tired of listening to all your bitching, I still haven't gotten to the Garfield comic."

* * *

"Your putting up decorations wrong hm!" Deidara said to Hidan.

"You're full of shit; you can't put decorations up wrong because it's a personal opinion of style so fuck you."

"Since when did you become an artist!?"

"Since you kept bullshitting about matching tableware! And my decorations are fucking awesome yours are gay!"

"They are not gay hm!"

"Kakuzu?"

"Gay."

"You didn't even look!"

* * *

"I must destroy this wall it has mocked me and nothing gets away with mocking me inanimate object or not." Itachi said.

"It's just a wall Itachi. I know! How about if you put up some nice tinsel on it? Will that be okay?" Kisame reasoned.

"……. That will suffice."

"Hey less talk more work." Pein said to them from his easy chair.

"Like you're one to talk, you haven't gotten out of that chair all day."

"Akatsuki rule number 2: Leader doesn't have to do anything. Take that bitch."

"Isn't rule number thirteen 'be courteous'. What you just said wasn't very nice."

"Up yours sushi plate."

* * *

Hidan walked up to Kakuzu and looked him straight in the eye.

"What do you want?" Kakuzu said.

"Kakuzu we're best friends right?"

"What? Hell no we're not."

"So would you mind if I banged your sister?"

"Wha-what?"

"Yeah, I just totally want to nail your sister, I mean all night long tie her to the bed and then fuck the shit out of her."

"I don't-"

"Just totally ravage her, and then face fuck her till she's completely raw and then totally just explode all over that bitches face."

"Oh God."

"And then I'd tie her back down to the bed and then the kinkiness would start. I'm talking twenty four seven BDSM hardcore shit. So can I bang your sister?"

"Hidan I don't have a sister."

"Oh yes you do, I saw that picture you keep in your drawer, she's got your green eyes and skin color and a body that puts our blue haired bitch to shame."

"Yeah I don't have a sister I _had_ a sister, she's dead."

"Oh….. so Kakuzu can I go dig up your sister's grave and then-"

Kakuzu proceeded to decapitate Hidan.

"Ow! Where's your Christmas spirit? I was just trying to spread the joy…. to me."

* * *

"Leader Leader look what Tobi found!" Tobi said as he ran into the room holding a Christmas card.

"A card huh? I wonder who it's from.?" Pein said as he opened the card. Upon opening the card was revealed to be a from Orochimaru, and despite the giver, it had absolutely nothing weird written in it. It was a nice and simple card wishing the Akatsuki a merry Christmas.

"Well do you think we should send him something in return." Konan wondered.

"Already taken care of, as we speak a small explosive device is currently traveling through the mail."

"That's not what I had in mind."

"Oh, well whatever I'm sure he'll enjoy it anyways."

As they were talking the extra layer of ice on Sasori melted off and he was able to move again.

"Oh Sasori you're back! So what the hell happened to you?" Pein asked.

"I was taken away by an incredibly annoying family, luckily when I was brought to their house I was thawed out by the heater. After incinerating the house and destroying the rest of the neighborhood I made my way back here. Unfortunately the cold got to me again and I froze once more. By chance Tobi found me on his way back from looking for me I presume."

"Why do you have a unicorn sticker on your cheek?" Konan asked.

"I guess I missed that one. Also I'd rather not go into detail about my stay at the house of death."

"Very well, new Akatsuki rule number twenty one no one asks about Sasori's stay at the house of death. All in favor?" Pein and Sasori raised their hands. "All opposed?" Everyone else raised their hands. "Well I'm still the leader so the rule passes."

"Whatever, lets get back to putting up fruity ornaments tranny." Hidan said to Deidara.

"Screw you!"

"Do I smell something**? It smells like smoke**." Zetsu asked.

The rest of the Akatsuki sniffed the air. "Yeah it does smell like smoke, what is that?" Kisame wondered.

"HOLY SHIT I LEFT THE OVEN ON!"

* * *

After Deidara's head-splitting scream the Akatsuki ran to the kitchen which, sure enough, was on fire. And due to the anti-jutsu seals resident water expert/firefighter Kisame couldn't do jack shit.

"Why the hell aren't the fire alarms working!" Konan yelled.

"I took out the batteries I never thought we would need them!" Kakuzu said.

"You fucking moron!"

"Wait! I know what to do!" Tobi exclaimed causing the rest of the Akatsuki to stare at him in awe. Tobi pulled off his cloak and started to use it to smother the fire. Of course though Tobi was doing it wrong and instead of smothering the fire was fanning it.

"You stupid freak! You made it worse!" Hidan yelled and in his anger grabbed Tobi and threw him on the fire putting it out with Tobi's body mass.

"Holy shit Hidan did something useful and counter-destructive." Kakuzu said disbelievingly.

"Alright then." Pein said. "Deidara you tend to Tobi's wounds and everyone else can clean up. Man I love the holidays."

**End of part 2**

* * *

Next chapter is the conclusion of Akatsuki winter. And after that the next Akatsuki story will be coming.


	3. Winter, part 3

Author's note:

The third chapter of Akatsuki Adventures and the conclusion of the winter storyline.

* * *

Akatsuki Adventures Part 1: Winter, chapter 3

It was an average day in the Akatsuki's house, everyone was doing there own thing and the only two people in the same room with each other were Hidan and Kakuzu.

"It's my remote I got here first asshole!" Hidan yelled at Kakuzu.

"I was watching TV before you!" Kakuzu yelled back.

"Then why weren't you here when I cam down you senile bastard?!"

"I just got up to get some coffee, I left the TV on so it's still rightfully mine!"

"Fuck you!" Hidan gave Kakuzu the middle finger….. which Kakuzu broke off.

"You son of a bitch!"

"Well that just lowered my stress level. You can have your damn television." Kakuzu went to leave the room but as he got to the door it was slammed open hitting in the face and knocking him to the ground.

"Whoops. Sorry Kakuzu." Pein said as he walked through the doorway.

"Go to hell."

"Where's everyone else?" Pein asked Hidan.

"Why the hell would I know?"

"Fair enough. But I have some good news for us so I guess you two will be the first to hear!"

"What is it?" Kakuzu asked as he got up.

"We're going to do Secret Santa! Everyone will put their name in a hat and then we all draw names and whoever you draw you have to buy a gift for them. Then tomorrow we can all have a hearty Christmas breakfast and then exchange gifts! Won't it be fun!?"

Hidan and Kakuzu both stared at Pein incredulously. This guy was supposed to be the leader of an evil criminal organization?

Finally Hidan spoke up. "There's just one problem. Christmas was two days ago. It's the twenty-seventh."

"What are you talking about?"

"Yeah dude it's not Christmas. We took down the decorations yesterday and even set fire to the tree. Today we started putting up stuff for New Year's. In fact there's a banner right above your head that says 'Happy New Year's'."

"…….. I don't think there is."

"Yes there is-

"**SHINRA TENSEI**!"

The blast blew Kakuzu back into a wall and utterly destroyed the New Year's banner. Pein then looked up and said. "See? No banner."

"Uh yeah." Hidan said slightly afraid of Pein's new insanity problems.

"So you and Kakuzu can go tell the other members and I'll be waiting here."

* * *

_Later_

All the Akatsuki were gathered in the living room, most of them were mumbling about how retarded this all was.

"Pein this is stupid, you can't expect us to act like it's Christmas and buy gifts." Konan said. "It's not our fault you got drunk and slept for three days."

"I don't know what you're talking about Konan." Pein said with a smile that would put a Cheshire cat to shame. "Now everyone's name is in the hat so let's start the drawing."

Soon enough everyone had finished drawing names and the Akatsuki looked at who they had to get a gift for.

"Ah Zetsu's impossible to shop for." Kisame said.

"Damn it Kisame." Pein said. "Everyone put your names back in the hat and we'll redraw."

Shortly after that the Akatsuki had finished drawing names again and with no more outbursts like Kisame's the members went on to get gifts.

* * *

_With Hidan and Kakuzu_

"So who'd you get shitface."

"Sasori. And you?"

"Kisame. Oh I know exactly what I'm getting him." Hidan said with an evil grin on his face.

"How about a sign that says 'This is Kakuzu's toothbrush'. I'm tired of having to buy a new one every time his teeth ruin the bristles."

"Nah, I've got something better in mind. What are you getting Sasori?"

"Somethiong that doesn't cost shit. Like an empty can of varnish, I'm sure he'd appreciate it."

* * *

_With Deidara and Sasori _

"So who'd you get? Who? Come on tell me un. Please, yeah. Huh huh? Who'd you get?"

"Deidara if you don't shut up now I will add you to my collection."

"But I already told you who I got!"

"Your point?"

* * *

_With Itachi and Kisame_

"I got Tobi." Itachi said.

"That should be easy, you could get him a pile of dirt and he'd find a way to have fun with it. I got Kakuzu, I'm afraid that if I don't get something he likes he'll try to kill me."

"It happens."

"…….. You're a great friend Itachi."

"I know."

* * *

Everyone else had gone off by themselves, for some reason Pein walked into a lingerie store and surprisingly found Konan there. Tobi and Zetsu had disappeared.

* * *

_Christmas morning (not really)_

"Why are we having breakfast at seven o'clock at night." Hidan asked.

"What are you talking about Hidan? It's seven in the morning." Pein replied smile still on his face.

"No it's not."

"But you have extendable arms."

"Oh I guess you're right, it's really time to beat Hidan into a bloody pulp and then dismember him while Kakuzu sells his stuff off EBay. Oh and of course I'll also be reading the bible out loud to you as well. Or maybe it is seven in the morning, what do you think Hidan?"

"Morning, seven in the morning."

"That's what I thought. Please pass the butter Deidara."

The 'breakfast' went by fairly normal. No one wanted to take Pein away from make-believe land. So things were quiet but tense.

"Kisame will you please pass me the butter?" Deidara said.

"I can't reach it. Kakuzu will _you_ please pass the butter to Deidara."

"I can't reach it either."

"Oh yeah. Hmm I guess I could get the butter for Deidara, but I think I'll just sit here and do nothing."

"Kakuzu don't be a jackass and please pass Deidara the butter." Kisam was talking in a quiet and friendly voice but his eyes were screaming bloody murder at the miser.

"Okay. If you pay me to do it."

"Kakuzu I really don't think that's fair now pass the butter you stupid son of a bitch."

"T-That's fine I don't want the butter anymore." Deidara said.

"Yes you do." Kisame growled out. "Now Kakuzu stop being an asshole, stop eating your bacon, and pass the fucking butter!"

Kisame hit Kakuzu's fork out of his hand.

"You didn't." Kakuzu said.

"I did."

Kakuzu started to get out of his chair but slipped on the bacon from his fork. He fell over backwards and head butted Hidan in the nose.

"You dumb bastard!" Hidan yelled and threw a plate at Kakuzu's head.

Kakuzu saw the plate coming and ducked under it, the plate sailed forward and hit Itachi in the face right as he was bringing a large helping of scrambled eggs into his mouth. Itachi fell off his chair and started to eat the eggs that had fallen on the ground.

Deidara, Tobi, and Konan were hiding under the table. Zetsu had already melted into the floor and Sasori was trying to jam a fork into Kakuzu's eye.

Pein was sitting at the head of the table eating his meal as if nothing was happening.

Finally the fighting died down, and Kisame emerged with a black eye, Kakuzu with a forked eye, Hidan with no eyes, and Sasori's head got detached from his body and was now rolling under the table.

"Well wasn't that a good breakfast for a great Christmas morning!?" Pein said as he finished his meal.

"It's not fucking morning and it's not fucking Christmas!"

"**SHINRA TENSEI**!"

* * *

"Alright now it's time to exchange gifts. Everyone go to the table and find your present. We can take turns opening them."

After everyone had their gifts they sat down in what was supposedly a circle but looked more like a kidney.

"Okay then Itachi you open your gift first."

After having some trouble with the ribbon (Kisame had to cut it for him) Itachi managed to get his box open and pulled out the certainly amazing gift.

"Blind glasses and a cane. Well, fuck you too Deidara."

Deidara was laughing his ass off while Kisame wondered if that was the first time Itachi ever swore.

"Kisame now you open your gift."

Kisame tore through the wrapping paper to find a rather large aquarium. "What's this for I don't have any fish."

"Yeah but the Akatsuki does." Hidan said.

"What do you mean?"

"That aquarium's for you, you're our pet fish, now we just gotta fill it up with water and we can put you in the living room!"

Kisame broke the aquarium over Hidan's head and popped open a beer.

"Now you Sasori."

Sasori's gift was in a small brown bag, the kind used for lunches.

"Ahh, a five dollar gift card to Wal-Mart. Which we are banned from. I would throw this into the fire but I'm worried that Kakuzu would attack me for wasting money."

"I don't care, I stole it anyways."

"Okay then." Sasori flicked his card into the Akatsuki's fire place where it was quickly turned to ash.

"Deidara, now you open yours."

"Yes! Something good something good something good!"

Deidara tore open his box and pulled out his gift in seconds. "What the hell?! A bra! KONAN!"

Konan meanwhile was laughing her ass off. "I got it in blue lace so it matches your eyes blondie. But I didn't know the cup-size so I just took a guess on that."

"You bitch!"

"Alright quiet down quiet down. Kakuzu you can open your gift now."

"Whatver." Kakuzu reached over and grabbed his gift and started to meticulously pull off the wrapping paper so it wouldn't tear. After receiving some odd stares Kakuzu answered. "If it doesn't tear we can reuse it next year, why buy more each year? Anyways this is going to take awhile."

"Okay then Hidan you open your gift."

Hidan grabbed his gift, which was simply wrapped up in an old tarp with air fresheners taped to it. "What the hell is this ting?" Hidan unraveled the tarp and a half decomposed corpse rolled into the center of the gathered Akatsuki.

"Do you like it? I **found it out back**."

"……. You know I'm actually okay with this."

Kakuzu meanwhile had finished unwrapping his gift revealing it to be a scratcher. "Whoever had me good job. This is my kind of gift." Kakuzu then pulled a penny out of his pocket and started to scratch his way to gold. Upon finshing….. "Holy shit. I won. I just got a million dollars off of a God damn scratcher! Fuck yeah I'm even richer now!"

"So where do you get the money?" Kisame asked him.

Kakuzu flipped the card around. "To claim prize go to Yo Momma's House. What? I don't understand?"

"Haha, it's a fake Kakuzu, you didn't really win any money. Preety good huh?" Kisame said.

Kakuzu didn't respond.

"Kakuzu?" Pein said. The thread ninja didn't move at all.

Hidan checked his pulse. "Yep he's dead. Simultaneous heart attacks and probably a massive stroke as well. Good job Kisame!" Hidan smiled and gave Kisame thumbs up.

"I'll deal with Kakuzu later. Right now it's Zetsu's turn to open his present.

"Oh goody. **Shut up**." Zetsu ripped open his box with his teeth and tore out his gift. "Bug repellant? **It's better than what we got last year**."

"Yay! Zetsu-san likes Tobi's gift!"

"Alright Tobi your turn."

"Yahoo!" Tobi reached into his back and pulled out a shaving razor.

"Five bucks says Itachi got that for him." Hidan said. There were no takers.

"Itachi-san why did you get Tobi a razor?"

"It was mocking me so I decided to teach it a lesson and sent it to Orochimaru. I don't know how it got to you. It still must be taught a lesson though." Itachi reached forward but Kisame put him in sleeper hold and then laid him down over Kakuzu's body and Hidan's corpse present.

"Now Konan you can open your gift."

"Oh lucky me. Christmas themed lingerie and a pamphlet entitled 'How To Please Your Leader' oh joy."

"I know you like it. But anyways now I'll open my gift. You better have gotten me something good Sasori or you'll be sharing a room with Deidara for the next month."

"That's not fair."

"A megaphone?"

"Nobody listens to you so I thought this might help."

While the rest of the Akatsuki were giving him a death glare Pein was beaming with unbridled happiness.

"Why would you get him that you stupid puppet!?" Konan asked.

"I thought he would like it. And I can just remove my ears anyways."

And so the first Akatsuki Christmas ended two days after Christmas with everyone except for Pein pissed off. Sasori found himself scattered around the living room, Zetsu got sick from inhaling his bug spray, Tobi accidentally cut himself on his new razor, Itachi fell down the stairs after tripping over his cane, Deidara re-gifted his bra to Hidan for his birthday, Hidan' corpse eventually fully decomposed, Kisame got drunk and caught on fire, Konan and Pein had a helluva night, and Kakuzu was thrown in a dumpster where eventually his threads instinctively ripped out a garbage-mans heart and brought him back to life.

**The End of Akatsuki Winter**

* * *

And so ends Akatsuki Winter. There will be a new story coming soon. Shinra Tensei is the most awesome attack in Naruo ever.


End file.
